I had somewhat given up on making resolutions at the beginning of every passing year. After a few years of breaking, forgetting, and compromising them I realized that it was just another way of disappointing myself. After a while, however, I realized that setting no goals in fear of failing is, well, kind of a lame way to avoid being accountable for myself.
I think the main problem was that my goals were always: a) too many b) too unrealistic c) too vague. They would usually pinpoint the faults in my character (and there are many) and aim to address every one -- basically in summation making my goal every year to be perfect.
This year, I've decided to make one general goal, which is this: don't take yourself too seriously.
I feel like I have a lot to prove sometimes -- to others, sure, but especially to myself. As I am in the void that is post-college pre-career life I have been filled with a quiet anxiety about the future and where I fit into it. Thoughts about what next step I should take constantly pass through my mind, to the point where I sometimes can't fall asleep at night unless I exhaust myself in front of the tv/computer/a book first (you might say I'm doing that right now). I have expectations of myself that I constantly fear not fulfilling.
And sure, it's a normal thing for many people my age or that are in my situation, but I tend to internalize this anxiety. I take myself too seriously to show it to others, to admit that I am incredibly vulnerable, unsure, and, well, maybe not as smart/talented, etc. as I expect myself to be or become. In turn I say little about my hopes to others in fear that I don't achieve them and appear foolish. To say plainly, for example, that I want to be a writer. To say plainly, for example, that I would like to teach film studies. Like my omission of resolution-setting, I tend to throw my shoulders up when asked "what do you want to do?" because I don't want to have to be accountable to those goals or be subject to the quiet judgment of those I tell ("Everyone thinks they're a writer." "Are you really smart enough to get into an ivy league grad school?"). Sometimes I shrug because I really don't know, and that's the ultimate truth about most things, but the uncertainty can be an excuse to make no plans or to avoid failure. That's when it's a problem. It's really all about the fear of failure, public failure.
I am certain I am hard-wired with a certain personality type, but I also think there's room for improvements or changes.
What does this have to do with Naive Cinema? Well, nothing! That's the point, I guess. As an action step for this new year's determination I am letting my guard down a little bit on this site. I never claimed to know anything about the movies (hence the blog name), but at the same I never really put myself out there. My face is absent from this blog, just in case my opinions are wrong or my writing is weak -- the only "person" accountable to this site's content is the avatar of Tony Perkins and a list of my favorite books/films/bands. I used it as a way to appear to be humble or not vain, but it's a false excuse. And to be honest, the lack of personality on this site makes it rather dry at times (I have been wanting to correct that for a while now, even apart from this whole resolution thing). So, as a corrective, I am claiming here and now that this blog will no longer just be about movies, but about me, Kazu Watanabe, and movies -- and everything else. Expect more rants, general reflections, and probably more bad poetry.
The domain name naivecinema.com expires in March and I don't think I'll be repurchasing or continuing it. I don't have enough to say about cinema (yet) and to restrict all the content on here to purely movies is a bit of a drag. I am not sure how I have 26 followers when only half of them are people I actually know. Maybe it was the picture I posted of Jayne Mansfield's nipple slip. In any case, I hope people who have been reading this will continue to read it. I do love an audience.
And, to seal the deal, here I am, eyebrows and all:
“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.” -Woody Allen
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4 comments:
As one of the elusive 13ish people you don't know personally, it's kind of funny how I came across this blog, and it may be interesting for you to hear the story. Forgive me if this seems long winded. About a year ago I was doing a .jpg search for images from Arthur Penn's Mickey One and more generally a Google search for all I could really find on the film since it isn't in print on DVD and is somewhat hard to see these days (I still haven't seen it). I'm a huge Arthur Penn fan, btw. Anyways, I followed the link to blog entry and read your analysis. Not only was I impressed with your writing style and depth of analysis, but I was pleased to find that you had not only critiqued one Arthur Penn film but several Arthur Penn films. Not only that, but you had written on McCabe & Mrs. Miller as well, and after further perusing of this blog discovered that it was one of your favorite films. Back when I was in college a handful of years ago I showed screenings of Bonnie and Clyde and McCabe & Mrs. Miller using the projector in the lounge to my friends and people on my dorm floor and I felt somewhat dejected that only one of those people my own age actually connected getting the beauty of those films or appreciated how influential they were. I was more impressed when I discovered you were actually about 3 years younger than me, and that, yes, you get these things! More recently I've enjoyed your posts about Nicholas Ray as I've been digging deeper into his work as well (I picked up used hardcover copies of the Bernard Eisenschiz biography and mild autobiography 'I Was Interrupted'). It's a pleasant surprise to encounter a kindred spirit of similar cinematic interests who's also at about that same “post-college pre-career” stage in life. This blog really is a treasure trove of great film writing and analysis for all who discover it. It would truly be a shame if you didn't make a career out of writing and/or professing/teaching others about film. Thanks for listening. Hopefully I didn't sound too sappy or lame. Happy new year Kazu!
yay kazu, congrats on this new resolution. i think its a good one..
2nd resolution: call your friend jess every now and then, she might want to hang out sometime
Matt, thank you very much for your comment -- and for reading my blog in general. To think that even one person actually appreciates this stuff is encouraging. Happy New Year!
Will we get any stories about Walter Reade on this blog? Good stories, bad stories, inner thoughts ... blue haired harridans causing a ruckus at a matinee?
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